First I missed Cafe Scientifique, then, before I knew it I'm missed the Toronto Zombie Walk! Thankfully I haven't missed Halloween because there is just enough time to throw out my sexy devil costume and start gathering the necessary materials for the ultimate terror of the netherworld: Zombie Stephen Hawking.

Take a look at the video below for an example of a decent ZSH execution.

Well, here's my step by step guide to being a Zombie Stephen Hawking for Halloween.

1. Obtain A Wheelchair. This is definitely the hardest part of the costume to acquire. If you know anyone who has a disability or you are conveniently disabled yourself, then you are in the clear. Don't be afraid to talk to the elderly. If you aren't ready to commit to that, I know I'm not, try checking your local Yellow Pages for "Medical Equipment and Supplies, Wheelchair Rentals, Hospital Equipment, etc". If you can't get a wheelchair consider zombify-ing a more able bodied scientist.
2. Obtain Hawking-esque Clothing. Stephen Hawking has been spotted in many comfortable garments so you are pretty flexible when it comes to clothes. A thrift store suit would be my personal choice, but I wouldn't turn away a nice wool knit over a collared shirt with some wool pants. Just make sure to ask the thrift store clerk how hard it is to get blood stains out of your garments. Don't forget that Stephen Hawking wears glasses, and not those retarded black plastic-framed ones, but classy thin-framed gold ones.
3. Obtain a Voice Synthesizer. This step requires the most technical know-how. Right off the bat, carrying a laptop around with your costume is an easy solution, plus you can check your email. Remember that a sinister black Macbook would appropriately compliment the zombie aesthetic much more than a glistening shiny Dell (which happens to be scary enough as is).

   On a Mac, open up System Preferences > Speech > Text to Speech and then select the System Voice "Fred". I simply checked the box "Speak selected text when key is pressed" and set it to something like Command+Shift+S. Then I opened up a Text Edit document and wrote up something like "Brains, Brains, I don't need your knowledge, I'm just hungry" or "At the beginning of the universe was the Big Bang, at the end of your universe will be a Big Crunch...of your brain".

   A similar approach can be taken on Windows using the Vista Ease-of-Access narrator or XP's Control Panel > Speech > Text to Speech feature. The best part about using a laptop is being flexible and typing new phrases on-the-fly. Be creative, for example: "In a Blackhole, No One Can Hear You Scream... unless you scream out Hawking Radiation, good luck with that".

   The problem with the laptop method is that the computer speakers are too quiet. Consider equipping your computer with a set of external speakers and mounting them on the wheelchair, especially for a louder Halloween party environment.But carrying around a laptop is not always ideal wandering around at night in strange neighborhoods. You can prerecord some phrases using an online text-to-speech generator like the one at AT&T labs. The problem with that site is that the voices are too smooth and uncharacteristic of Stephen Hawking. Either way, generate phrases and burn them to a CD for play in a discman with speaker set-up for a robbery-free night.

4. Zombify. There is no limit to how wounded and how hideous of a Hawking you want to be. Just follow some of the zombie guides on the internet but remember to be tasteful because you don't want people to lose sight of the fact that you are a distinguished British astrophysicist. You'll definitely need fake blood to splatter across your clothes and to drip on your wheels to leave nice wheel trails of blood.
5. Obtain Friend. Unfortunately, Stephen Hawking cannot wheelchair himself around, if you dare choose to wheel yourself you will ruin the illusion and therefore ruin the costume. You need to find someone willing to push you from door to door or from bar to bar. There's no easy way to do this one. Obtaining a friend can take years of tedious "listening" and "sharing emotions" but if you join Facebook and start looking up people from your highschool whom you barely know, you might be able to find someone twisted and desperate enough to help you. Who knows, you may even find a cute girl to dress up as Stephen's sexy zombie nurse / zombie wife, Elaine Mason!

And that's all there is to it! Click Google Ads if you liked the guide and post some possible Zombie Stephen Hawking quotes in the comments. I like: "Read my new best-seller, A Brief History of Time that it takes to consume your flesh".