Halloween Special: 5-Step Guide to a Zombie Stephen Hawking
October 23rd, 2007
First I missed Cafe Scientifique, then, before I knew it I'm missed the Toronto Zombie Walk! Thankfully I haven't missed Halloween because there is just enough time to throw out my sexy devil costume and start gathering the necessary materials for the ultimate terror of the netherworld: Zombie Stephen Hawking.
Take a look at the video below for an example of a decent ZSH execution.
Well, here's my step by step guide to being a Zombie Stephen Hawking for Halloween.
- Obtain A Wheelchair. This is definitely the hardest part of the costume to acquire. If you know anyone who has a disability or you are conveniently disabled yourself, then you are in the clear. Don't be afraid to talk to the elderly. If you aren't ready to commit to that, I know I'm not, try checking your local Yellow Pages for "Medical Equipment and Supplies, Wheelchair Rentals, Hospital Equipment, etc". If you can't get a wheelchair consider zombify-ing a more able bodied scientist.
- Obtain Hawking-esque Clothing. Stephen Hawking has been spotted in many comfortable garments so you are pretty flexible when it comes to clothes. A thrift store suit would be my personal choice, but I wouldn't turn away a nice wool knit over a collared shirt with some wool pants. Just make sure to ask the thrift store clerk how hard it is to get blood stains out of your garments. Don't forget that Stephen Hawking wears glasses, and not those retarded black plastic-framed ones, but classy thin-framed gold ones.
- Obtain a Voice Synthesizer. This step requires the most technical know-how. Right off the bat, carrying a laptop around with your costume is an easy solution, plus you can check your email. Remember that a sinister black Macbook would appropriately compliment the zombie aesthetic much more than a glistening shiny Dell (which happens to be scary enough as is).
On a Mac, open up System Preferences > Speech > Text to Speech and then select the System Voice "Fred". I simply checked the box "Speak selected text when key is pressed" and set it to something like Command+Shift+S. Then I opened up a Text Edit document and wrote up something like "Brains, Brains, I don't need your knowledge, I'm just hungry" or "At the beginning of the universe was the Big Bang, at the end of your universe will be a Big Crunch...of your brain".
A similar approach can be taken on Windows using the Vista Ease-of-Access narrator or XP's Control Panel > Speech > Text to Speech feature. The best part about using a laptop is being flexible and typing new phrases on-the-fly. Be creative, for example: "In a Blackhole, No One Can Hear You Scream... unless you scream out Hawking Radiation, good luck with that".
The problem with the laptop method is that the computer speakers are too quiet. Consider equipping your computer with a set of external speakers and mounting them on the wheelchair, especially for a louder Halloween party environment.But carrying around a laptop is not always ideal wandering around at night in strange neighborhoods. You can prerecord some phrases using an online text-to-speech generator like the one at AT&T labs. The problem with that site is that the voices are too smooth and uncharacteristic of Stephen Hawking. Either way, generate phrases and burn them to a CD for play in a discman with speaker set-up for a robbery-free night.
- Zombify. There is no limit to how wounded and how hideous of a Hawking you want to be. Just follow some of the zombie guides on the internet but remember to be tasteful because you don't want people to lose sight of the fact that you are a distinguished British astrophysicist. You'll definitely need fake blood to splatter across your clothes and to drip on your wheels to leave nice wheel trails of blood.
- Obtain Friend. Unfortunately, Stephen Hawking cannot wheelchair himself around, if you dare choose to wheel yourself you will ruin the illusion and therefore ruin the costume. You need to find someone willing to push you from door to door or from bar to bar. There's no easy way to do this one. Obtaining a friend can take years of tedious "listening" and "sharing emotions" but if you join Facebook and start looking up people from your highschool whom you barely know, you might be able to find someone twisted and desperate enough to help you. Who knows, you may even find a cute girl to dress up as Stephen's sexy zombie nurse / zombie wife, Elaine Mason!
And that's all there is to it! Click Google Ads if you liked the guide and post some possible Zombie Stephen Hawking quotes in the comments. I like: "Read my new best-seller, A Brief History of Time that it takes to consume your flesh".
October 24th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
[...] on Jacks of Science you can learn how to make your own Zombie Stephen Hawking Halloween costume! It’s very elaborate, though. You need a wheelchair, a laptop, and a friend: “Obtaining [...]
January 24th, 2008 at 10:47 am
ahhaha
February 28th, 2008 at 9:21 am
meanie
March 25th, 2008 at 5:55 am
non ho capito se deve fare ridere ma a me nn piace x niente...anzi lo trovo vomitevole....se vi divertite a sfottere persone malate gravemente e geniali come lui siete messi proprio male....lo sento molto vicio dato che anche mia madre ha la stessa malattia....fate schifo
March 25th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
FALTA DE RESPRTO TOTALLLLLLLLLL
March 27th, 2008 at 10:31 am
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My # 9036815344
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April 10th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You are horrible. Stephen Hawking is a well known man who had uncovered the deepest secrets of the universe and is more famous than you'll ever be. You aren't funny and I know I sound like a teacher but you should be ashamed of yourself!
April 10th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Zombie hawking gets so much flak... not to mention spam. I can't quite figure it out!
To be truly offended, please watch the Family Guy with Stephen Hawking and cut me some slack!
April 14th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Fuck You!
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:00 am
asshole
April 24th, 2008 at 6:30 am
you are stupid !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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April 29th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
shut up asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 12th, 2008 at 2:31 am
pobre bastardo, espero que te trague un agujero negro y que no exista aún solución a ello cuando suceda
June 17th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
FTW!
July 29th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Pauvre con
October 6th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
i know this is probably a joke, and not to offend stephen hawking in any way but it's mean.
October 29th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Actually, I think this is quite humorous.
Beep boop.
October 30th, 2008 at 1:07 am
My physicist friend and I thought this was brilliant!
Everyone else needs to get to a hospital quick and find someone to remove those sticks up your asses. You don't want an infection.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
you suck..fuck yourselves!!
November 5th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
You are awful. Stephen Hawking is a hero, and this isn't funny. I understand this might sound like I have "a stick up my ass" In future please make fun of some one who isn't at let 500 times smarter than you are.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I think this is hilarious. Everyone who is opposed should go watch a good episode of the simpsons.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:32 am
suck your sex
November 21st, 2008 at 3:58 pm
wow thats pretty funny
November 29th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
You have lost the meaning man, you ll die in vain
December 6th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
That is mean to make fun of a disabled person!
January 19th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
alors: la chose la plus IMMENSE que S.Hawking est pue mettre en théorie(ou découvert),et bien votre stupidité votre débilité (et je n'imagine même pas votre MATURITÉ) et encore immensément plus grande.Même si ce n'était qu'un jeu entre potes" ca ne sert à rien de se moquer d'un plus grand que soit.Le Savoir que ce mec a et 100 000 fois superireur a celui que vous imaginer.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
You have no life.
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January 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
You have no life.
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BURN IN HELL
January 30th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
You have no life.
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BURN IN HELL
April 15th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I can't believe people would get the impression that this is making fun of Mr. Hawking. For Halloween, I've never dressed up as someone I didn't think was cool.
And making him a zombie just makes him intimidating. One of the smartest people in the world want your brain? i'd be scared for my life.
April 24th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Yeah! Make fun of people that are dumber than you.
I AM a Physics teacher, and this is hilarious. Hawking has a fantastic sense of humor and I think he would find this equally as humorous.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
QUE FALTA DE RESPETO ES ESTA
SI YO PUDIRA DONAR MI VIDA PARA ESTE GRAN HOMBRE
ASI LO HARIA QUIEN SEA EL AUTOR DE TAL COSA
ES SOLO UNA PEQUEñA MUESTRA DE LO RETARDADA QUE
ESTA LA HUMANIDA
DEBERIA AVERGONZARSE